除了下雨天和阴天外， 4点40分天就大亮了。当阳光洒满窗台并夺走我被窝里仅存的一点“黑夜”时，我决定是时候起床了。运动鞋、短裤和T-恤就放在床头。晨练的时候，剑桥市也刚从睡意中苏醒，正揉着它惺忪的睡眼。骑着自行车的男人、女人和小孩，经过身边都会跟我打招呼“cheers”。偶尔，迎面过来一位晨练者，我们会不约而同的向对方竖根大拇指相互鼓励。英国是我很多年前就计划好要来的国家。
几个礼拜前，那个时候我还在家里。很晚才关掉电脑爬上床，昏昏沉沉中好想听到了什么声音，不知道是枪响还是烟花爆竹的声音。我的家乡在加州的Lennox小镇。清晨5点，我是绝对不会出门晨练的。在我们那个地方，太早或太晚出门都是一件很危险的事情。刚开始上学那会儿，我就知道小镇上存在的不安全隐患：枪支、毒品还有卖淫事件。位于加州洛杉矶国际机场重要位置的世纪大道（Century Boulevard）早已沦落为了淫窝而臭名昭著。对于仅有1.1平方英米的小城市Lennox来说，有27处涂鸦团伙和14处危险团伙，搞的当地人心惶惶。每年青少年怀孕事件屡屡发生。就我所知道的，有至少14名还不到17岁的未婚妈妈。晚上探照灯打到窗户上的时候，我就祷告开车的人不要撞进我家里。我们小市里警报体系一直不好而且也没有志愿青年愿意加入。因此，我一直是一个没有安全感的人。在这样的小镇上，高中毕业生不到2000人，更别说有什么良好的学习环境了。对于当地的学生来说，在市里最好的高中读书并获得奖学金，如果不辍学，不入黑帮，不沾毒品，不早孕，这种可能性几乎是不存在的。
如今，剑桥这座城市给了我更多的机遇可以思考移民、全球化影响问题、人道主义问题以及生活中一些很微小的权利享有，如：法院前草坪里的蟑螂爬进我的厨房偷吃我的芒果三明治。
当我抵达兰切斯特牧场（the Grantchester Meadows），在优雅的人形小道上慢跑的时候，汗水已经湿透了衣衫。经过一段时间的“跋涉”，我脑海中浮现出了鲁伯特布鲁克（英国诗人）的诗歌。这时，牛顿和维特根斯坦镇刚刚苏醒。这一刻，我特别渴望和身边的同学一起分享我们共同感兴趣的话题：哲学、政治和诗歌小故事。我即刻想要返回剑桥参与一位牛津教授带的现代世界学课程并一起讨论政治学，还有一名出版社作家上的创意写作课程。我想要努力证明当今世界中学术的重要性。我想让自己变强，想让世界更好。我觉得我性格中的那股劲正在驱使我抓住机会而让家乡的人们为之敬畏。
现在，我习惯喝伯爵茶，习惯以不同的速度走路，习惯带着微笑跑步。这个世界的舞台上很快会有新一代的演员。为了那一天的到来，我努力学习、博览群书、练习写作。但是，我永远也不会忘记自己的家乡以及笼罩着家乡的“阴霾”。终有一天我会参加竞选，那个时候我将回到生我养我的地方，对教育、立法做出一番成就，我时刻准备着改变我的家乡还有世界。
分析
这篇ESSAY题材引用是比较传统的：通过描写作者克服重重困难最后取得成功的经历。作者将美丽的充满学术气氛的剑桥市与贫穷混乱的家乡做了鲜明的对比。描写家乡时，文中提到的枪声与烟花爆竹声以及未成年早孕还有缺乏安全体系等一系列事件的描写，都真实的表达了自己家乡的环境，让人印象深刻；而对于剑桥市，通过对散步者骑车人以及讲师的描写，让我们感受到了剑桥的活力以及学术氛围。作者希望抓住每一次机遇学习，这也是为什么作者想进入哈佛的原因。
而全文的败笔就在于作者没有提供剑桥生活背景。他怎么去那里的？为什么要去那里？他说的“计划中”又是什么？
招生官点评：ESSAY切忌一味的铺陈，最重要是要将意思表达清楚。纵观全文总结下来一个词语：真诚坦率，让人感动。
—Ravi Mulani
原文参考：
(8)ADAN ACEVEDO—“THE BROOKE RUN”
The sun woke up at around four forty in the morning every day (unless it was raining). Sometimes I woke up right as the sunlight crept into my window and pulled the little darkness I had under the covers away from me. My running shoes were always by the side of my bed, along with my shorts and a white T-shirt. As I ran out of Jesus College in the morning, I’d see Cambridge starting to rub her eyes. Men, women, and children on bikes said quick “cheers!” as they flew by. Occasionally, I would see a runner coming the opposite way and we would give each other a mutual thumbs-up. My visit to England was years ahead of schedule.
Only a few weeks prior, I had been at home, turning off my computer late at night, going to bed, and trying to decide if I was hearing gunshots or fireworks as I dozed off. I would never go out to run at five in the morning in my hometown of Lennox, California. I knew of the dangers that went with early-morning or late-night running. I have known of the gangs, drugs, and prostitution issues since I started going to school. Century Boulevard, although the exit for the Los Angeles International Airport, has an area that is infamous for being a center for prostitution. Lennox, a 1.1 square mile city, has twenty-seven graffiti gangs and fourteen much more dangerous gangs (like Lennox Trece [13] and others who steal and kill) that everyone is weary of. Teenage pregnancies come up every year, and I alone know at least fourteen or so individuals who have had children before the age of seventeen or had an abortion. Searchlights shine though my windows every once in a while, and I can’t help but hope that the man or woman running will not choose to break into my house. We have no alarm system and very few individuals in Lennox do. I have never really known the safety that other teenagers take for granted. In a town where less than two thousand people have graduated from high school, issues like these do not help the academic environment of students. The odds of a male Lennox student receiving financial aid from one of the best high schools in the city, of not dropping out, of not giving in to gang violence, of not giving in to the drugs or alcohol, of not fathering a child, and of taking full advantage of his opportunities are not exceedingly good.
Yet, I was in Cambridge debating immigration, the effects of globalization, my stance on humanitarian aid, and the right of a beetle on the Pump Court lawn to walk into my chicken and mango sandwich.
As sweat would begin to permeate my white T-shirt, I’d reach the Grantchester Meadows and run along the gorgeous walking path. I would then, after a trek of about a mile and a quarter, reach the memorial to Rupert Brooke. Then it would hit me. The town of Newton and Wittgenstein was just awakening. My ambition, love for philosophy, interest in politics, and thirst for the perfect poem or story were fed and shared by students from all over the world there. I’d run back to Cambridge from that memorial, in eager anticipation of the day’s lectures and debates in my Politics in the Modern World class with an Oxford professor and my creative writing class with a published author. I not only had the historical town to attest to the importance of academia, but I had the fact that I was standing there as evidence of it. I decided I wanted to excel. I decided I wanted something better. It had just really hit me that my competitive nature and drive had earned me opportunities that would leave any Lennox resident awestruck.
I drink Earl Grey tea regularly now. I walk with a different step. I run with a smile on my face. The world’s stage will soon have new actors. I’m studying, reading, and practicing my lines so the transition into that lead role isn’t too hard. However, I know I will never forget the city I came from and the issues that plague my community. Lennox gave me the few pearls it had to offer. I must give them back and with interest. I will be back in Lennox in a few years before I hit the campaign trail, go into the classroom, excel in the laboratories, or push for legislation in the United States Senate. I will be prepared and I will drive for change in my community . . . and later, the world.
COMMENTARY
This essay takes a traditional story of overcoming challenges and uses powerful and evocative descriptions to effectively convey the magnitude of the writer’s achievements. The writer does an effective job of contrasting the beautiful and intellectually enriching environment of Cambridge and the tough neighborhood of Lennox where he grew up.
The writer’s contrast of his two different landscapes is stark and leaves the reader impressed. The mention of “gunshots and fireworks,” as well as teenage pregnancies and the lack of alarm systems, is an honest portrayal of his hometown, just as the published author and the cyclists paint a vivid portrait of England. His excitement about the learning environment in Cambridge is palpable and gives the reader a sense of how excited he would be to attend a college like Harvard, and how he would seize the many opportunities it offered for learning and intellectual development.
The main fault of the essay is that the author fails to provide context for his Cambridge experience, leaving the reader with many unanswered questions. How did he get there? Why was he there? What is this “schedule” he speaks of? Be careful not to let your descriptions dominate the essay—helping the reader understand the point of your descriptions is often more important than the literary acrobatics themselves. Overall, the essay’s tone is candid, and the writer tells it as it is, making for an essay that is undeniably impressive and moving.
—Ravi Mulani
