个人风采大赛还有一个小时就要开始了，我小心地把书包放在更衣室的一个角落。从我的位置，正好看见那些肌肉强健的高年级学生在比着谁穿的三件套的衣服好看，琢磨着谁是这场比赛的冠军。而我瘦瘦的，有点口吃，没有正式的套装和新鞋子。想到这里，我艰难地吞了口口水，决心在这次比赛中好好亮相。因为比赛第一轮是穿着传统服饰在舞台上展示一遭，我拿出我那件传统的彩色手织衣服——那种红色和黄色的纺织布料，穿在身上，并将写着5号的号码牌别在衣服上，匆忙站到我所属的队列里。当我迈上抛光的木质台阶时，对妈妈在看台上观看比赛一点儿也不抱希望，因为我知道她还在国外的一家医院里面工作。瞬间，一千二百双好奇的眼睛盯着我，这时，我的脸颊剧烈地抽搐，喉咙也在收紧，双膝变得僵住。我努力想要控制自己，轻轻地弯了下胳膊，便像阿桑特人统治者那样大摇大摆地穿过了舞台，幸运的是没出任何意外的回到了更衣室。人群狂呼，我身着休闲服饰，第二轮比赛里，奇迹就这样发生了——
那是一种奇怪的情感，很难溢于言表。刚开始像只是肚子里面有些轻微疼痛，慢慢涌入胸膛，这让我内心充满了温暖和力量，逐渐缓解了紧张的情绪。慢慢地，它跑到了我的嘴里，进而舌头上，然后竟说出话来。我告诉观众，我的喜好和热情，细腻而有条理，从未有过的内心独白从口中蹦出。而且，讲的内容越来越丰富，越有深度和力量，这在之前是我从没有过的情况。这就像我内心那个真正的自己，获得了自由，控制了自己的紧张情绪。那晚好像是从现实抽离了，我一直游离在他人的记忆中。
一小时后，主办方一位操着男中音主持人在寒冷的空气中开始宣布：“1993届GIS风尚先生，从自信、魅力、文化内涵、造型、口才、智慧和创造力多角度评比，得出冠军。冠军就是…”“5号，1号，5号，5号”激动的人群中不断喊着他们希望得冠军的人选对应的号码。我的心脏像是被猛烈地捣碎了一样。呼吸也越来越浅。“冠军是5号！”主持人最终宣布。
在这少有的神圣的时刻，时间静止了。我的耳边，有人嘶叫着，我张大嘴巴，惊讶地合不拢，就像一座吊桥掉下来一样。我冲上前去给了主持人一个熊抱，并将我胳膊所及的所有人抱在一起！在万分激动中，荷兰皇家航空的经理走上台来，向我展示了一个纸板——那是一张一米长的加纳—伦敦往返机票。我一边挥舞着那张蓝色纸板上的机票，一边大方地面对相机摆姿势，害羞地对着人群微笑，一阵遗憾的感觉袭来，要是我妈妈能在人群中就见证这一切就好了，而事实上这是我所有的记忆中最心酸的时刻。
分析
“非同寻常的经历”是大学入学申请文书中很普遍的主题，但是这次风采大赛确实是一次很不一般的经历。从害羞到耀眼之星的蜕变是很有趣的事情，安特维在一个固定的事件里，适时地用一种好玩、有趣的方式描述他不同的性格——害羞、自信、激动、孤单。
安特维赢得这场比赛不足为奇，他很擅长讲故事。他对细节的捕捉很敏锐，如“一千二百双好奇的眼睛”、“阿桑特人统治者的传统”——也很注重文章戏剧化的描写。总之，这篇文章读来让人感觉积极向上，并且很有趣。
在文中第三段，安特维只是形容自己在台上讲话的表现，如果知道安特维台上讲话的内容，就更好了。而且，安特维也没有介绍这次比赛的具体是什么比赛，在哪里举办，为什么参加这项比赛，这些也都是需要让读者知道的重要内容。总体上来讲，安特维的个性在故事讲述过程中熠熠发光。
英文原版ESSAY赏析
ESSAY15：A night Unforgotten
---By Frederick Antwi
An hour before the commencement of the personality contest, I deposited my bag carefully in a corner of the changing room. From my vantage point, I could see the muscular seniors comparing their lovely three-piece suits and musing about which one of them would win the title. A bony, stuttering junior with no suit and no new shoes, I swallowed hard and resolved to give the pageant my best shot. Since the first round of the program was a parade in traditional wear, I nervously pulled out my kente, draped the beautifully woven red and yellow fabric around my thin frame, pinned on my “contestant number five” badge and hurried to take my place in line. Wishing hopelessly that my mother was among the spectators and not working in some hospital in a foreign country, I stepped out onto the polished wooden stage. Immediately, one thousand two hundred curious eyes bore into me. My cheeks twitched violently, my throat constricted and my knees turned to jelly. I fought for control. Bending my arms slightly at the elbows, I strutted across the stage in the usual fashion of an Asante monarch and mercifully made it back to the changing room without mishap. The crowd erupted into a frenzied cheer. As I returned for the “casual wear” round, something magical happened.
It was singular emotion that no words can describe. It began as an aching, beautifully tenderness in the pit of my stomach, gradually bubbling into my chest, filling me with warmth and radiance, melting away all the tension. Slowly, it effervesced into my mouth, onto my tongue and into words. As I spoke to the crowd of my pastimes and passions, words of such silky texture poured out from my soul with unparalleled candor and cadence. The voice that issued from my lips was at once richer, deeper, stronger than I had ever produced. It was as though an inner self, a core essence, had broken free and taken control. Severed from reality, I floated through the remainder of that remarkable evening.
One hour later, the baritone of the presenter rang out into the cool night air. “Mr. GIS Personality 1993, selected on the basis of confidence, charisma, cultural reflection, style, eloquence, wit and originality, is Contestant number…” “Five! One! Five! Five!” roared the electrified crowd. My heart pounded furiously. My breathing reduced to shallow gasps. “Contestant number five!” exploded the presenter in confirmation.
For a few sacred moments, time stopped. My ears screamed, and my lower jaw, defying the grip of my facial muscles, dropped like a draw-bridge. Then I rushed forward, bear-hugged the presenter and embraced everyone else I could lay my hands on! Amidst the tumult, the Manager of KLM Airlines mounted the stage, presenting me with a meter-long Accra-Amsterdam-London return ticket. As I stood brandishing my sky-blue cardboard ticket, posing shamelessly for the cameras and grinning sheepishly at the throng, a pang of regret shot through me. If only my mother could have been in that crowd to witness and indeed be a part of this most poignant of all memories.
ANALYSIS
“ The unusual experience” is a staple of college entrance essays, but in this case the experience is truly unusual-a personality contest for men. It’s also interesting to see Antwi’s transformation from shy to superstar. Antwi concentrates on a fixed event in time and uses it to show the spectrum of his personality-shy, confident, excited, lonely- in an amusing and entertaining way.
It’s no wonder Antwi won the contest. He’s a great storyteller. He has an acute sense of detail-”one thousand and two hundred curious eyes,” “the fashion of an Asante monarch”-and is good at heightening drama. The essay is also upbeat and fun to read.
It would have been nice to know what Antwi said in the third paragraph instead of simply reading about the “unparalleled candor and cadence” with which he spoke. Also, Antwi does not explain the what, where, or why of the contest, which are all important to know. Overall, however, his personality shines through as stellar.
注：ESSAY出自哈佛成功ESSAY50篇之第一版
