在一年冬季，一个非常寒冷，风雨交加的夜晚，我和爷爷奶奶来到舅妈的卧室，这里正十分热闹地举办圣诞节前夕的聚会。屋里很暖，我摘下了帽子和披肩，露出了那件为我量身定做的维多利亚风格的漂亮礼服。我不知不觉地随音乐舞动起来，人整个身体也觉得十分寒冷。我对这美妙的音乐如痴如醉，一阵欣喜。我越来越兴奋，有几次，短暂的画面闪过我脑海，就像是站在纽约市林肯中心胡桃夹子开场的舞台上一样。我成为万众瞩目的焦点。那年，我9岁，那是我期待已久的初次登台。对我表演的所有争议都渐渐消散，我也从一个害羞的小女孩转变成为一名自信的舞者。
很多年过去了，我的舞蹈水平也有了很大的进步。每周我会花很多时间来排练和表演，努力想要成为一名合格的专业舞者。如果没有这么长时间以来专注的付出，我在舞台上永远不会有如此轻盈而有力的跳跃。无论是在课堂，还是舞台，音乐脉动着我身体里的所有神经，我的身体总会附和每一段乐谱上的音符舞动。渐渐地，我发现过往的训练和付出给了我极大的信心，让我可以提高技巧，挑战风格，去激发所有的潜能，并实现梦想-舞技精湛到就像乐队里的乐器一样。
去年暑假，我在巴克摇滚夏令营为创意与表演艺术班的学员教授和编排舞蹈。在那里，我懂得了个人价值的体现不只存在于舞台上凌空的舞步，还在于将我所学教授给他人。我在模仿我认为最棒的老师们的舞蹈动作时，我的学生也从中体会到乐趣。当学生们跳舞越来越进步时，我也不会吝啬夸奖，并悉心帮助他们提炼自己的舞蹈动作；对于经验少一些的学生，则侧重于培养他们的自信，努力营造一种学习氛围，在这种氛围中，学生们可以自由提问，犯了错也不用因害羞而脸红。这些努力带来的回报是学生们不断提升的自信和精湛的舞蹈技巧。在纽约市芭蕾舞团五年的训练生涯，让我懂得真正的自由来自于充盈于心的责任。当我在林肯中心表演时，舞台中间自由的舞步，全部来自于夜以继日、坚持不懈的训练和周到细致的准备和排练，以及耐心鼓励学生做到自己的最好的过程中。如今，我更加认识到自己作为一名舞者的价值，更充分实现了自己价值，让我有更多的信心和热情面对未来的挑战。我会继续飞舞，自由地飞舞，我钟爱的芭蕾！
分析
通过审阅这篇ESSAY，可以得出一个结论：若要在“有重要意义的经历或成就”的文章上取得成功，它一定是选取了别出心裁的话题。尽管这篇文章并非关于很特别的体育运动或艺术类型，但它很出色。作者通过她在艺术上的专业反映其成长经历，并用一种优雅的方式强调了表演和教授芭蕾对于自己的重要意义。作者开篇写到了关于小时候第一次芭蕾舞表演经历的回忆，并从此开始试图告诉读者，舞蹈对她的人生带来了什么影响。读者也从那里开始感受到夏令营活动的重要性，并且恰到好处地让读者了解作者对于芭蕾的热爱激发她用自己方式来教授他人。文章末尾，作者采用了很普通的结尾方式，写了关于从舞蹈中得到的收获。
开篇回忆小时候第一次表演经历，作者并没有开门见山地告诉读者舞蹈对她来讲意味着什么。她也没有告诉读者喜欢芭蕾的原因，这也让读者更有兴趣读下去。直到第四句结尾，读者才明白是什么让作者感到像文章开头处作者描写的寒颤和兴奋。
设置好了场景，作者开始自由地阐述她的经历了。读者会发现，作者随着年龄增长，对舞蹈的热爱越来越强烈，对舞蹈的态度也越来越严谨。此外，在第三段，作者竟来了一次很有趣的转折，叙述了她在夏令营教授舞蹈的经历。
作者在处理描述真正实现个人价值的点不仅仅在于表演所带来的兴奋和成就感上很成功。虽然作者在强调芭蕾以何种形式影响了她的人生上很成功，但文章缺乏流畅性，一些观点和情节并没有很好地连贯在一起。第三段紧接第二段，是有些唐突的。这里适合写舞蹈，除了直接描述舞蹈和训练以外，通过其他多种方式讲述，舞蹈是如何影响她的人生的。尤其注意，在文章中写关于个人重要经历或成就感时，有效使用连接词或连接短语，将个人观点和整篇文章的主题有效连接起来。文章的观点及选材从开始到结尾之前都可算独具一格，但结尾的陈词滥调却意外让文章逊色不少——而这，也恰是这篇文章的难点。
英文原版ESSAY赏析
ESSAY20: “To Soar, Free”
by Vanessa G. Henke
A cold, blustery winter storm swept my grandparents and I into the warmth of my aunt’s living room, where she was hosting her traditional Christmas Eve party. My hat and cape were taken from me, revealing the Victorian party dress, which had been designed and painstakingly tailored just for me. The music lifted me, and chills surged through my body. I was enthralled, ecstatic with the power of the orchestra. My excitement mounted as I realized that, for a few brief moments, the audience at the opening night of The Nutcracker at New York City’s Lincoln Center was focusing on my performance. At nine years old, this was my long-awaited debut. Any vestige of uncertainty about my performance had dissipated. I was transformed from a shy young girl into a confident performer.
Over the years, as my technique improved and I spent increasing amounts of time each week practicing and performing, I learned to value the discipline required of a professional. Without so many hours dedicated to practice, I would never have been able to execute powerful leaps across the stage in performance. In class, or on stage, the music would pulse through every fiber of my being, my body resonating to every note of the score. I discovered that discipline and dedication gave me the confidence necessary for me to refine my technique and style, and to fulfill my potential and dream – to dance like another instrument in the orchestra.
This past summer, I taught ballet and choreographed dance at Buck’s Rock Camp for the Creative and Performing Arts. There, I discovered that fulfillment can come not only from soaring across the stage, but by communicating what I have learned to others. I emulated the good techniques of my best teachers, so that my students could find pleasure in dance. For my more advanced students, I offered well-deserved praise and helped them to refine their skills. For students with less experience, I tried to foster self-confidence and create an environment in which they could learn, ask questions and make mistakes without feeling ashamed. The rewards for my efforts were the students’ improved self-confidence and skills. The discipline I learned during my five years with the New York City Ballet helped me understand that with freedom comes responsibility. When I performed at Lincoln Center, I danced across the stage, free, because of the hours of preparation and thoughtful consideration I put into planning classes and rehearsals, inspiring students to be their best. I now have a greater appreciation for the value of my experiences as a performer, I am a more fulfilled person and I feel confident and enthusiastic about future endeavors. I will continue to soar, free.
ANALYSIS
In her essay, the author of “To Soar, Free” demonstrates an understanding that if an essay about a “significant experience or achievement” is to be successful, it must distinguish itself from a pack of surely similar essay topics. Although the author’s chosen topic is not all that different than writing about playing sports or performing other types of art, this essay stands out. The author gracefully highlights the personal importance of performing and teaching ballet, using her progression in the art to reflect her personal and physical growth. Beginning with a childhood memory about her first ballet performance, the author begins to paint a picture for the reader of just how dance has influenced her life. From there, the reader gets a sense of the increasing significance of this activity, to the point where he or she learns that this love for ballet has inspired the author to instruct others in her art form. In her final paragraph, the essayist closes with general conclusions about the lessons she learned through dance.
By beginning her passage with an anecdote about her first major ballet performance, the author distances her piece from a more straightforward “what-dancing-means-to-me” essay. Instead of spelling out the reasoning behind her love of ballet, the author encourages the reader to continue reading. Not until the end of the fourth sentence does he or she know what exactly has been causing the chills and excitement that the author illustrates so well in the opening sentences.
With a setting firmly established, the author is then free to proceed with her narrative. The reader observes the author’s love of dance grew more intense as she got older and became more serious about this activity. Moreover, in the third paragraph, the author introduces an interesting twist to the essay, as she chronicles her experiences on the other side of dance, as a ballet teacher at a summer camp.
This complication works well at illuminating the way in which the author learns to see that ballet can offer more fulfillment than just that from the thrill of performance. Although this essay is effective at highlighting the many ways in which ballet has affected the author’s life, it lacks flow and does not efficiently link its varied points and ideas. The connection between the second and third paragraphs is especially abrupt. This spot is an ideal juncture to suggest the many ways in which dance – aside from its direct performance and practice – has influenced her life. Especially in essays about significant personal experiences or achievements, it is extremely important to make effective use of transitional phrases and words to connect the individual points with the overall theme. Be that as it may, after compiling a solid essay with unique perspectives and dimensions, the author subtracts from her piece by offering clichéd conclusions in the final paragraph that are easy to incorporate into any essay of this form. The challenge is to identify and highlight conclusions unique to the situation.
注：此篇ESSAY出自哈佛成功ESSAY50篇之第一版
