当她（我的母亲）挂断电话，眼泪夺眶而出，四下地想要抓住什么，身体却无力地瘫坐在地板上。我站在那里一动不动，不知道该做些什么，说些什么，甚至不知道发生了什么事。直到后来我打开门，警察站在壁龛那边，我才明白发生了什么。
我15岁的弟弟被抓了，那日离圣诞节还有10天，也就是一年前的今日，我记得很清楚，就好像是昨天发生的事情一样。
用我母亲的话来讲，罗伯特生性活泼好动，难以管束。他总会四处开玩笑，搞恶作剧，且制造麻烦，但他独特的个性和娇小的身板总能挽救其于水火。这就让他愈发觉得“我可以惹任何麻烦，反正又不会被抓”。在爱尔兰长大的罗伯特很少有机会制造大麻烦，但这一切都转变了：四年前，也就是他12岁的时候我们和母亲一起移民到了美国。矮小的身材，在爱尔兰的时候，是助罗伯特一臂之力的不二法宝，如今到了美国，却成为他最大的敌人。他每天都会被欺负，被殴打。因为我不能时时守候，罗伯特开始向他人寻求帮助，到美国第一年年末的时候，他已经加入了一个团伙。
他整个人的面貌发生了变化，个性也渐渐消失，越来越爱挑衅，给人的印象只有愤怒，像整个人被掏空一样的狂躁抑郁症患者。大概一年后，我的母亲终于承受不起罗伯特令人恐惧的自杀行为和可怕的外表，将他送往自杀行为治疗中心。在那里，会有专人24小时的看护，开导，并对他抑郁和爱挑衅的症状进行药物治疗，几个月后，弟弟走出了这个治疗中心。
仅在短短几周之后，可能是在药物治疗加上酒精的作用下，罗伯特和他的朋友去到一个便利商店。他们抢劫，还枪杀了一位店员。罗伯特作为共犯，被控以持械抢劫和二等谋杀罪。
回头想想，我意识到做错事情的不是罗伯特，而是我。我没有为罗伯特的幸福着想，没有给予他真正的关心，我没有在他需要我的时候陪在他身边，我仅仅是袖手旁观，让所有的事情在我身边一一发生。从这个角度讲，造成这些后果的人是我。现如今的我，是一个很爱参与，给人更多关爱和友好的人，对于可能对我造成影响的任何事情，不再任其发生。不论如何，我尽力弥补我周边的亲人和朋友，在他们面前我扮演一个大哥哥，来弥补内心的亏欠，因为我清楚，在罗伯特面前，我并没有扮演好一个真正哥哥的角色。
这段经历，不仅让我感觉更好，神奇的是，罗伯特也发生了重大改变。他的生活完全180度转变，此刻的他正在认真备战中考，准备进入高中学习等等，而以往的罗伯特是无论如何也不会做这些事的。
我感觉有点奇怪，不是吗？可怕的经历改变了整个家庭的命运，而这样的悲剧竟又会作如此戏剧般地转变。
分析：
这篇ESSAY显然在用一种看似消极的弟弟被抓的经历呈现出完全相反的结果。从布莱特的健谈和向与至交交谈的写作风格来看，他是很了解读者的阅读习惯的，因为他没有用一种多愁善感，亦或是道家学者的语气。ESSAY的难能可贵之处在于诚实的可贵，以及并没有对逾越法律的弟弟多加指责，而是归咎于己，这是很难能可贵的。其不同之处还在于作者并没有像其他大多数申请文书一样在文中过度表示对自己的赞美，而是尝试找到自己身上的不足，并且从以往犯过错误之中获得教训而使得自己有所成长。总之，作为罗伯特的哥哥，通篇讲述自己做的不当之处，布莱特这个作品给人留下了很深刻的印象。
布莱特需要做的是在文章中更细致地描述罗伯特身上发生了什么事情：我们了解到罗伯特被捕，现在在为中考准备，但是我们没被告知他被捕之后到发愤图强，懂得自我提升之间发生了什么事情，罗伯特为什么会有这些转变。在此期间，他面临了哪些挑战。文章后半部分应该多一些细节的描述，罗伯特是如何蜕变成现在的优秀学生的模样的。但是瑕不掩瑜，它独特，它安静而有力，亦足以启人心扉。
英文原版ESSAY赏析
“My Responsibility”
--by David J. Bright
When she hung up the phone, she immediately burst into tears and grabbed out in all directions for something to hold onto as she sank to the floor. I stood there motionless, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, not even knowing what had happened. It wasn’t until I answered the door moments later and saw the police officers standing in the alcove that I finally discovered what had taken place.
My fifteen-year-old brother had been arrested. It was only ten days before Christmas, a year ago today when it happened, but still I remember it like yesterday.
Robert had always been a rambunctious as a child – wild and lively, as my mom always said. He was constantly joking around, playing pranks, and causing mayhem, but his engaging personality and small stature always seemed to save him from the firing line. This gave him the notion that he could cause any amount of trouble without feeling the repercussions. As a youngster growing up in Ireland, he had found few opportunities to get into a great deal of trouble. But four years ago at the age of twelve, the rules changed for him when he, my mother and I moved to America.
The same short stature that had been his ally in Ireland was now Robert’s enemy in America. He was bullied and beaten on a daily basis. Since I couldn’t be there all the time, Robert sought the protection from others. By the end of his first year in America, he had already joined a gang.
His appearance deteriorated, personality disappeared, and aggressiveness increased, leaving him an angry, hollowed out, manic depressive. After a year or so, his frighteningly self-destructive behavior and terrifying appearance forced my mom to send him to a suicide treatment center. There he received round the clock attention, counseling, and medication for his depression and aggressiveness. He was released after a couple of months.
Only a few short weeks later, supposedly after mixing his medication with alcohol, he went out with his friends to go to the store. There they robbed, shot and killed a store clerk. Robert, as an accomplice to the crime, was charged with armed robbery and second degree murder.
Looking back now, I realize not what Robert had done wrong, but what I had done wrong. I had taken no interest in his welfare, and I never intervened when he needed me to. I just sat back and let it all come crashing down around me. It’s in this respect that I guess I’ve changed the most. I’m now a much more involved person. I no longer allow things to just happen’ I must be a part of everything that affects me. I’m also a more caring and better person. To make up from what I did – or rather, didn’t do – I look out for those around me, my family and my friends. I act like a big brother to them to compensate for not being any kind of brother at all to Robert.
The experience hasn’t only made me better. In a strange way, it was also the best thing that could have happened to Robert. He’s turned his life around and is presently preparing to take the SATs in anticipation to go on to college, something the old Robert would never have done.
I guess it’s sort of weird, isn’t it. Such a dreadful experience can change an entire family’s life, and how such a tragic situation could give birth to such great things.
ANALYSIS
Bright’s intensely personal essay shows us the positive outcome of what seems like an overwhelmingly negative experience, that is, the arrest of his brother. Through his talkative, intimate writing style, Bright is able to reach his readers because he does not take a sentimental or moralistic tone. The strength of this essay lies in its honesty and its ability not only to criticize his brother, Robert, for his transgression, but to reprimand the author for his, as well. What makes this essay so unique is that Bright finds himself at fault and demonstrates his personal growth from his mistakes, unlike most college essays that are highly self-adulating in nature. Through accurately assessing where he went wrong by not acting like a true brother to Robert, Bright’s piece is more impressive than most college essays.
Another great strength of Bright’s essay is the maturity he displays by being able to take the blame for his brother’s demise. This is a characteristic of a true big brother, one who knows how much his siblings admire and respect him, as well as value his judgment. Instead of harshly reproaching Robert for his crime, Bright turns to himself and how he “had taken no interest in his [Robert’s] welfare.” Furthermore, Bright illustrates how he was mature enough to learn from his errors and improve himself: “I act like a big brother … to compensate for not being any kind of brother at all to Robert.” Bright is able to see that there are positive aspects of this bad experience and then applies them to his life; he shows to us that he is willing to change himself and make up for what he did not do for Robert by becoming “a much more involved person.” In his essay, many aspects of Bright shine through: his maturity and strength, as well as his capacity to see a bright silver lining on what looks like a black thundercloud. Qualities such as these are ultimately the most important in terms of measuring who one is.
The only thing that Bright might have added to his essay is more of what happened to Robert. We learn that Robert was arrested, and is now studying for his SATs and preparing to go to college, but we are not told what happened to him between his arrest and his self-improvement. How did Robert decide to turn his life around?
What challenges did he face? The second to last paragraph might need a little more detail as to how Robert went through the process of becoming who he is today. Yet, aside from this one minor comment, the essay stands on its own – it jumps out at the reader for its uniqueness, for its quiet, yet powerful, personal revelations.
ESSAY选自哈佛成功ESSAY50篇之第一版
